


FEARS

by Eavanyears



Category: Blue Neighbourhood | Wild - Troye Sivan (Music Videos)
Genre: Childhood Friends, Cross-Posted on Wattpad, Gen, Major character death - Freeform, Matthew Named Ben, Past Child Abuse, Past Drug Addiction, Past Drug Use, Rehab, Smoking
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-28
Updated: 2016-06-29
Packaged: 2018-07-18 21:42:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,908
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7331629
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eavanyears/pseuds/Eavanyears
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He walked between the graves lost in his own thoughts. The sun had made its daily attempt to down soon by the coming of the end of the day, darkening everything around. That hadn't done anything to stop him from sitting there for a little bit longer. He was hugging his legs closer to his chest looking to the fresh stone of a grave front of him. Dressed in a black suit and a black dress shoes. He was planning to be here to say his final speech that he was here to say the words he didn't get the chance to say into the funeral.</p><p>The wilted flowers petal and leaves swayed with the wind, the waves on the beach could be heard filling the atmosphere around him. The Sound of the ocean came angry and unforgiven combined with the sound of the trees' branches that played a rhyme of chaos and depressed song in the air.</p><p>The grave-yard was full with the white marble stones different names. Different dates and families. Lived for 60th or just died young. Death don't have a rule when it comes to age.</p><p>One marble stone looked whiter than the rest. That where he placed the white camomile flowers he brought this evening.</p><p>Now he knows the truth… now he wish he never know it.</p><p>Alternative Universe -AU- Troye Sivan.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One

Troye's POV  
Being what I am is hard.  
The reverses of my existence. The contraries of being what I want to be and what I expected to be. What I'm supposed and what I meant to be...all of these parts separated my mind and my heart before blowing them in every other direction.

I had lost a war.

I had lost a war against myself. I had giving up to fail 'cause I was so desperate to fall. To Lose. To end this whole missed up life I was letting everyone I most cared about down.  
I've forfeiting everything wishing the I could get one thing back in return. Only one thing back in return!

I thought I could get escape of my heart. I thought there must be a cure for letting people down. A medications for being too broken to live. A recuperate for depressed brain.

I thought of chemicals as the magic wand that can turn off whatever hurt me on. A Tool to heal the wounds and the scars life left on my skin.

Instead I end up lying on the hard cold floor with nothing in my hand. Painfully hurt of self-hatred and weakness. I end up with shame and losses.

I had to run away of my demons. The dark thoughts. The thing that stole my feeling of life away leaving me with beating heart and a dead soul. The ones that kept me standing in this a losing fight 'till the end. I knew that I had to lock those thoughts out of my head. I knew I couldn't let them break me more that I already was. I had to find my fixing.

Watching the white smoke swaying in the air reminds me of the feeling when I think about my own life.  
He exhaled the smoke of his cigarette where we were sitting on a fence our legs barely touched the pavement. He looked at me as he asked: “So how was America?”  
“It was fun. I enjoyed being there to be honest” I said scratching my forehead lightly. He asked: “I'm glad you did, you look better than before-… I mean when you left.” I can sense his tense. I ease it for him with a smile as he said: “you look like you get much better.”  
“Thank you” he smiled briefly taking another drag of his cigarette. I asked: “I didn't know you were smoking?”  
“I wasn't” he let the smoke out looking at me: “it's kind of things that happened at first time and you know. It's some part of me now.”  
“I believe its not part of you until you allow it Ben.”  
“Sure mom!” he mocked with a little chuckle. It was his way to escape a conversation hadn't change much since I met him. He throw it on the ground when I jumped to smash with my shoe. I looked at him with a smile as I said: “it's a hospital behind us we don't wanna 'cause a fire right here.”

“Right!” he said in uncared tone. He was annoyed, he placed his hands in his pockets looking away of me. I'm not sure if he knows this but he drives me mad when he turn away of me like it's easy to ignore my existence.

“How are you doing, I heard from Valerie that you been working with your father?” I asked.  
“Yea and still… it's good.”  
“Are you happy with this job?”  
“What do you mean?” he looked at me with a challenging eyes. I regret what had came out of my mouth already.  
“I don't really know I guessed you had always wanted to be an artist. I thought you might be a one by now. It was like a dream to you that you were ready to make it true,” I said softly.  
“I dreamed to be super hero. They were just a childish dreams no more.”

“I get it” I said it was more as a whisper, even to my own ears.  
“Get what?” he asked, he was all angry as he just wanted to urge me.  
“That you're happy with the new changes in life. I'm-m actually happy for you. I'm glad that you like how everything went like.”  
“I do like it. Thank you.”

We sat in silence when he took another cigarette out of the pocket. He lighted up and start smoke it silently. I looked the time on my phone.  
“Had Jake told you that he's going to late?” I asked. He looked me side way.  
“What? Are you bored of my company?” He asked huffing the smoke in general direction. He eyed me. I chuckled shaking my head in disbelieve.  
“What?”  
“I think it's the craziest thought I ever heard.”  
“Sorry but your question doesn't lead me to any other ideas” he said angrily 

He took a drag of his cigarette. I scratched my arm looking to my shoes when I said: “do you still remember those evening's we spent together few years back?”  
“What are you talking about?” he looked at me. His question seemed dry and cruel. I wasn't sure if it was the right time or the place or even the right person to ask anymore.

I didn't dare to look back at him. I didn't have the courage to face him but I also spent nights thinking about those few words regretting every moment I hadn't say them before I fly to America.  
“Do you remember when we first met you been-...”  
“11”  
“10 I was in your 11th birthday party” I correct him.  
“Yea” he said softly when I looked at him saying: “do you remember what I had brought to you as birthday gift?”  
“The dammit baseball ball” he chuckled for the memory.  
“I thought you enjoyed the game!” I laughed along with his growing laughter.  
“I do when I played with you. You were the worse a dog could catch the ball better than you did. But remember when I failed to join the school's team. At that time I wanted to throw it in your face” I laughed even if it really hurt to hear him saying just like this.

“Really, I hated you so much that day”  
“I'm sorry”

“But I couldn't hate you forever,” he wiped tears away with his sleeve his smile hadn't fail making their way on his face yet as he said: “you were good made it up for me even before I fights you about it”  
“I didn't know I did.”  
“No, really I couldn't kick you out when you brought to my home.”

“Do remember the beach? Do you still go there sometimes?” I asked. I really wanted to know.  
“No,”  
“Why?” I asked as he placed another cigarette between his lips. He lighted it up He didn't look at me.  
“I couldn't, I felt so lonely there,” he took a long drag of his cigarette.

“Dad took me there couple of times but it was chaos. He was watching the endless blues of the ocean. I sat there hugging my knees waiting for him to say or to do something. I waited for him for too long to tell me what's wrong. I refused to believe that wasn't part of what my father is and kept waiting and turned out it was for nothing. It was so sad… he still going there sometimes. I think it reminds him of something. Someone maybe. He loves the place especially near the set.”

“Yea” I sighed, he looked at me, I smiled when he said: “I feel like you hadn't change since you left”  
“Is that a good or bad thing?”  
“It's good”  
“Then I should say that I'm flattered” I said with playful tune. He smiled taking a short drag of his cigarette. I looked the time on my phone screen.

He looked the time over his phone when he dialed a number. I watched the cars moving on the main street front us. The Summer air was less hotter than it was earlier today. I was glad that it wasn't that hot anymore.  
"Hey, Jake" Said Ben to the one on the other line.  
"I thought we had plan. Where are you?" he asked looking at me for a brief second.  
"I was relying on you to make this night works. I just want you to remember its not your first time doing it and I really had enough!" He was mad. Almost yelling through the phone.  
"You know what Jake you don't have to make it up. I don't need you anymore anyway. If there's something I learnt from your faked up promises is that I can do anything on my own. So thank you for the lesson!"

I could hear Jake's voice through the phone when Ben just cut him off. He looked at me it was an empty look meaningless at least for me. I said softly: "I'm sorry."  
"Don't you dare blame yourself. I can work everything up without him. I mean if you still want... to go out? I mean with me and all? Do you-...?"  
"Of course Ben. Its my first chance to be out of home since I came I won't let it go to waste." I said holding my knees up. He smiled nodding to general direction. He wiped his face with his palms. He sighed.  
"I hope Jake didn't have the whole ideas of our evening out?" I said carefully.

“No, don't worry.” He jumped down the fence and so I.  
"So-...? Where are you going?" I asked.  
"There were too many ideas. Jake had tickets to the football game in the town even when insist that you fall a sleep during them." I couldn't but laugh at this.  
"I really try to watch sport, try to enjoy them and all but I always fail 'Not My Cup Of Tea' "  
"Okay Oldie whatever you want. My pack up plane is getting a nice dinner from the Lucy's Diner. We used to go there." I nodded in agreement.  
"Does she still working in there?" I asked.  
"No, she had moved to Sydney in Autumn. She's going to study business or economics. I'm not sure."  
"I'm glad she followed her dreams." He didn't say a word in return.

We were walking in the streets of Perth it was nice Summer evening breeze. The sodium lights shined orange on our skins.  
He stopped by the diner. He pushed the door open and held it for me. I followed him inside.  
"Thank you" I said. He didn't look at me just gave me the menu of the diner as he remarking: "they made a revolution since you left the town you maybe wanna try something out."  
I looked to the menu. I knew I'll never decide of what I want based of my nonexistence experience.  
"I'll take whatever you take." I made a decision handing him the menu back. He talked to the employee: "I want to have two Chinese."  
"A Table?"  
"No, We'll take them out."  
"Alright, then."

“I thought we'll eat in the diner?” I asked.  
“What if we saved this for later tonight and just go to the beach, right now!”  
“The beach?” I said in stupid repeat.  
“Yea, I think we could just-... I don't know we used to love that place before. I used to love it because of you I want to get that back." I looked at him when he gulped in discomfort.  
"Sorry-...I mean if you don't like the place it's fine by me. You can anywhere else you want.” He said in clear embarrassing tone.

“That not what I meant-… I mean, yea-… of course but-...” I placed my hand on my forehead. What's wrong with me?! I shouldn't make him uncomfortable. I just had to say okay!  
“But what?”

“Nothing-… all fine” I smiled softly when he smiled back shortly before he nodded.  
"Your food is ready." The woman said placing the bag on the counter.  
"Hey stop it's on me." He said handing her the money.  
"Thank you."

 

We walked to the Perth's beach. There was a group of people who were having a camp fire few feet away. Other People were having a nice walk on the beach. We two sat on the sand we didn't really mind our blue jeans catching sand. We start eating our Chinese (1).  
“Where exactly you been in America anyway?”  
“Seattle.”  
“Do you have friends there?”  
“Kind of.”  
"I think the answer supposed to be 'Yes, I did' or 'No, I didn't” He mocked looking at me. I was trying to get used to the new Chinese taste. I said: “They were almost friends. I wasn't close to any of them when i was there. But they all nice.”  
"Did you have fun there?" His question seemed specific. Jealous or worried one I couldn't tell.  
"I did some nights when Tyler and I went to visit friends and have a movie nights they were my favorite nights."

I was looking at him and he was staring to the horizon. He looked lost away between his thoughts. I asked: “I really missed this place.”  
“Me too” he sighed placing his knees closer to his chest resting his head above them, he looked at me as he said: “I really missed the old things”  
I looked at him, I wonder what 'Old Things' meant to him. I fell in my own thoughts. He said: “you still annoying as hell!!” he missed my hair when I tried to get away of his hand as I said: “what I had done?!”

“You still have this annoying look. Your thinking face is awful I wish you never think anyway. When you look like you're focusing on something or sway away with your mind you look scary” I laughed so he did.

“I didn't even knew I had a thinking face.” I said mostly lying. Nobody really notice and I had never expected to care enough to say such a thing to me especially after this whole time.

“I missed you. You know?” He said. I looked at him. He avoided my gaze searching for his cigarettes' in his pocket. I had start thinking it was his way to avoid a serious facing by now. He lighted it up when I asked: “you did missed me? Missed me?”  
“Yea, yea-… you can keep making fun of me 'cause that stupidly fits you.”  
“What's fit me?! I mean you stopped missing me in some point!”  
“Such a sassy boy. You're Troye.”  
“Come on you know that I'm not a sassy” I moved closer to his side. I took the cigarette away off between his fingers. I took a short drag of the smoke. I couldn't handle it though, I coughed find it so hard to breath. He said: “I don't even know why I care about someone who's annoying as you” he took the cigarette back placing between his lips. I laughed resting my head on his folded legs.  
“Say it already I'm not ignorable.”  
“Kind of.”

I supported on my arm staring to his eyes as I asked: “you can't take me off your life just admit it. I already knew I'm a life-time kind of deal” he laughed. He shaken his head in disbelieve.

We fell in silence. It wasn't an awkward silence. It was a nice one and it stayed for a while. Me placing my head on his thigh and he watched the ocean away. It was getting darker and colder by the time but I didn't want to leave and I think so he does too.

I looked up at him. his gaze was frozen on the ocean not paying any attention at me. Not that I mind I just kept looking at him. It was mostly staring. I have to admit that being around him reminded me of many things I missed. Many memories I loved. Things I had lost and hadn't get the chance to get back again.  
He was as my special sensation. A perfume that I never put if it wasn't a special occasion. A smell that reminded of something I do love. Something made my heart over reacting to his stare back in my chest.  
I can feel my face heat up. I hoped it wasn't redden now or he couldn't notice it 'cause of the dark around. He smiled softly and I avoided him closing my eyes pretending to try to fall a sleep.

I felt a gentle hand brushing my hair softly. I opened my eyes slowly. I was covered with a jacket. it was Ben's.  
“I'm sorry, I woke you up?” he asked.  
“I-I'm-… it's fine”  
I sat down looking around the beach was almost empty -except of few people who still there.  
“What time is it?” I asked.  
“It's 9: 13 PM”  
“What?!” I get up cleaning my clothes off the sand when he did the same. He said: “are you late? I'm sorry… I thought-...”  
“It's-...” I took my phone out of my pocket checking the last reserved calls and the missing ones.  
“O-okay, I'll-… my car is so close to here I can drive you home” he seemed as the whole invitation made him embarrassed for no reason.  
I sighed in relieve when I found that I missed no phone calls or messages. I still can be free.  
He placed his blazer on my shoulder as he said: “you can keep it!”  
“I-I'm okay, thank you.”  
“No, no, please just put it on”  
“I'm warm enough. You need it” I was almost angry. I mean okay, there's no suspenseful reason to be angry especially when he being so nice to me but I felt insulted.  
“Just put on, Tro”  
“I don't need it!” I said it louder than I should, he took it with a shaken head, he had this smirk on his face How much I hate this smirk! No, I don't.  
“Okay” he said finally, looking at me, I nodded not daring to look at him back, placing my hands in my pockets when he asked: “can we go now?”  
“Okay” I nodded. I hoped he didn't notice how nerves I am.

We walked in so awkward silence. The streets were a bit quite we could hear our footsteps on the pavement.  
He opened the car's door for me. I could see that he bought a new one. I sat in the passenger’s seat. I could hear his phone rings as he stopped to answer it. I watched him as he talked on. I didn't know why everything about Ben seem to be personal or very intimate. I mean he's like-… he's part of my life that I can't control. Part that it had to be left as it is. forbid to think about.

I thought its because I trusted him even when not everybody thinking I should. It was a strong chord that held me with Ben's being grown up with him and lived almost all my life around him. Part me believed that he was controlling over me. A part I always shut it up before it takes a place in my mind. I always that Ben effecting on me the type of effect that made me think how to get Ben to like whatever I do.  
I remember it was how I thought when I was younger. I remember how he was one of the most popular boys in our neighborhood. He had never feared anything. Nobody could trick him he actually was able to trick everybody. He was the living example of breaking rules and get away with it and it was my thing I looked him up for.  
I didn't want to break the rules for main. I just wanted to try new things to feel a life the way he made me feel. I had became addicted to the feeling the Adrenalin gave me every time we're too close to get caught stealing mom's savings from the cookie jar.

The feeling is seeping into my bones. I wanted to tell him why I had to leave to America. Why I had to go without explanations that it wasn't my choice to decide. The unspoken words that kept locked in head trying to kill me the past Two years.  
He sighed placing his hands on the driver wheel.  
I can see that must be something had annoyed him through the previous phone call. He looked mad. He hit the driving wheel.  
I jerked in my seat.  
“Is everything is okay?” I asked softly.  
“Yea, it's work” I nodded deciding not to say anything else.

 

He start driving but by getting closer there was snarl-up. he turned the radio on, I looked to the building moving too slow. I rested my head on the cold material.  
My phone rang she was my sister: “sorry I have to get it” I said softly, he nodded when I said: “Rachel”  
“Hi, out there where are you?” she asked.  
“Out”  
“Oh really? Smart where?”  
“Road. There's a traffic jam. Is everything is fine?”  
“Until now. It's alright. You can have fun but don't get yourself into troubles.” she said. I can hear a chuckle when I asked: “May I know where are you?”  
“I just brought Dan from the airport. We're having dinner out then we'll drive home.”  
“I thought your husband out of the town, he came early!”  
“Yea at least I don't have to wait for your hell face home tonight.”  
“Oh- thank you!”  
“Welcome. have fun I'll tell mom that you just talked to me and everything is fine.”  
“Thanks”  
“Have a nice night.”  
“You too, bye.”  
“Bye.”

I placed my phone in my pocket when Ben asked: “do you mind if I asked you for a drink together? Coffee whatever” I looked at him. He stared to the rear mirror.  
“I'll agree for a coffee” I said he looked at me then smiled taking the next exit.  
He pressed the gas pedal driving on the velocity's limit, my heart raced noticing the guiding signs on side of the road: “why are we heading out of the city?”  
“I know wonderful place to have our coffee in, somewhere you won't forget”  
“You're unbelievable you want to drive the whole distance to have a coffee. This is sounds like there's no-one makes coffee in Perth!!”  
“Its not about coffee its about the place itself. You'll never regret it, I promise.”  
I was actually kind of happy I didn't want to go home and I kind of wanted to stay a little longer with him. He made me feel the old me. He didn't watched me out. He made me feel comfortable for being around him. It's been too long since we been talking to each other. it's been long since we talked like friends.

 

He held the door open for me. I walked into the cafe. it was cozy. There was a very old record playing on. There were four or five customers in there having a chat. We sat by the end of the tables.  
Ben took the seat front of me. He was able to looked at me. I was lost in the decoration around us. He said: “I came here once before” I looked at him when he said: “it was week after you left-...” he shrugged and I can feel the emotions dancing swiftly on our hearts' chords.  
He sighed, his eyes had those glassy shining of tears. I hated to see like this weak and helpless. It was never Ben. He said: “I never wanted you to leave-...”  
“…- I came here and there was this Amy Winehouse song playing on. It remind me of you. I knew if I meant to see you again. I'll take you here” he smiled softly wiping his face. 

He wasn't ashamed of his tears. It wasn't part of what I knew about him. He never allowed himself to let his father down. I know how his father hates when he does cry. I know 'cause I saw him yelling about it. His father always wanted to raise Ben to be tough guy to be responsible for his life. My dad thought that it was a good way to raise a child specially since he raised like this himself. I remember how he asked me to work with Ben one summer. It turned out to be one of the best summers in my life.

I reached for his hand over the table I held it softly as I said: “I'm sorry 'cause I left. I had too” He took his hand away. It was as if he thought of me feeling sympathy for him.  
“You could said goodbye at least.”  
“I couldn't. I knew you would want me to stay and I wasn't sure if I would be able to leave after this anymore. I barely had the courage.” I was saying half the truth. I couldn't tell him that my parents had booked me the flight that it wasn't my decision to take.  
“I couldn't believe when I heard it” he said.  
“I'm sorry.”  
“I don't know you seemed to be the one that stuck to his family for as they could. I didn't even understand why you wanted to study medical or fly to America. I thought you loved here!”  
I sighed looking to the liquid in the carton cup between my palms. He nodded silently. I looked up at him. He said: “I want to know why you ran away? I want to know why you left without mention it. Why you didn't say goodbye? Why I never knew?”  
I didn't know what to say at this point. I let him down I couldn't even tell him the truth. I think he had needed me at some point… He seem like he truly needed my existence around him and what he thinks now that all I done is abandoning everything and ran away that I was frightened to do the simplest things.  
“I'm sorry” I said softly.  
“Why?”  
I gulped looking at him. My eyes met his for a long stare. I didn't know what to think about. What to stop what's not.

“What you been told Ben?” I had made my mind.  
“What do you mean?” he asked.  
“What they told you when I left?”  
“I don't give a thought about what they said. I want to know the truth, Troye!”  
I wiped few tears slide down my face. I wished if I could speak what he wants to hear but then I'll have to lie and last thing I ever want to do to Ben is lying to him.  
“My family knew all about-...” my hand was moving soothingly on my arm. I tried not to make it sound trashier than it already is.  
“Knew about my dependance problem. They found out about the drugs.”  
"What?"  
"It was stupid thing." My voice was shaking with tears.  
“You didn't-…? it was one time it can never make you addicting.”  
I hate how all he could remember is the one time we had done drugs together. I had thought of him doing the same thing when I imagined myself telling him.  
We were 19. a nice evening in his house when he asked if I wanted to share him something special… it was our first time drugs together.  
“Not if it wasn't just one drag, Ben”  
“W-what?-… I mean how?-… I'd know I supposed to know if you been dealing I'd diffidently notice”  
I placed my arms on the table as I said: “my body just designed to give the lowest hints about being drugged. I always looked skinner than normal so nobody would really notice weight drops. I would look perfectly normal to anyone. I'm not usually active person so if I became less active it wouldn't look weird. I wasn't socialized especially since we barely seen each other when you had to work in weekends and all. I was so careful to lock myself away of everyone else. Nobody could simply notice any symptoms. I won't allow it.”  
“Why you never came to me? Why you never asked for help, Troye?”  
“I thought it's clear.”  
“I don't understand!”  
“I wanted it. I loved the feeling of what the chemicals gave me. The perfection of carefree feeling they put my brain into. The numbness of my sensations were something I looked for after many failing of being what I'm expected to be. I didn't know how much I was losing paying back for this pleasure.” I said feeling guilty. I wasn't sure if it was because I had let the drugs control myself or because that I had to terrible life to remember.  
he sighed.  
“How did they found out?”  
“All I remember clearly that I was feeling horrible pain. Everything hurt that night. I was sweating and I tried to search for the drag. But my hand shook violently that I couldn't held anything using them. My body felt so useless. It was like I been locked into it and I could never be over control it gain. I remember seeing the floor and that all I remember back from that night. I woke up in hospital and then I signed up into rehab.”

“Why I never knew?”  
“I couldn't-… I didn't want to lose you. I didn't want you to be misunderstood or worse you change your mind about who I am. You weren't ready for complicates in your life. It was already worse for me at least it doesn't have to be for both of us. I knew you were trying to do your best to be what your father wants which I agree with him about. I was proud of you I didn't want to stop you. You had found yourself finally. I was lost watching you taking steps forward and I had stuck into the big question of 'What I Want?' to answer. The question I had never find a good answer for it yet.”  
“Troye?! How could you say that? I'd helped you at least find someone trusted to help you out of this.”  
“I know you'd done the best for me Ben, but it was too late. I was collapsing. Mainly I wanted to. Physically I was destroyed nobody could help me here. I hated everything and everyone. Mom thought about taking me abroad she did. She made sure that I'm settled then she left before I go out of hospital, The bought me a life away of here to make me forget whatever in here I never could though.”  
“Why you never called? Why there wasn't a single message from you telling me where you been? Why you hadn't contact me. Why you acted as if you didn't know me anymore, Do you have any idea how that made me feel like, Troye?”  
“I guess I do. I felt the same too” I fought my tears. but my voice cracked broke in the end showing how weak I really felt away of here.  
“If you really did you'd called Troye”  
“I couldn't-…”  
“You could” I placed my hand on my mouth. I didn't want to break down right here. I couldn't be weak now not here not with him. Not when he hates me.  
“What I had to say? I'm sorry I got myself stupid addicted to trash? Sorry for leaving like that and for letting you down and everything else you might feel bye? What I could told you?!” I cried, as he stood up, passing the table.  
That's it, that's the time he's really leaves me for real. Giving back what I had gave him, letting me down the way I let him abandon me in the time of need.

Author's Note: 

Don't do tears, Okay? I love you guys. Thank you so much for all of your support and I really hope you like this book so far. Still the 1st Chapter so be patient with me.  
I had added this Novel To #Watty2016 So if you love it so far Please vote when #Watty starts Spread the world. Share On Facebook Profiles, Groups. Your Twitter. I Really Need your help in that only if you guys like it.  
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(1) Does They Allow you to eat on a beach? I really don't know I mean where I lived in two countries and in both of them it was legal to eat on the beach I mean its not a laboratory or a library! I'll look it up though :D


	2. Chapter Two

11 years ago…

The suns rays danced delightfully on the parquet floor, creeping throw the half opened the white curtains that swayed with the ocean's breeze. The waves broke on the shore could be clearly heard from where I walked with my white socks on the floor that familiarly been the second floor of my childhood house.

It was usual afternoon when I come back to home after a long school-day. Back to that time I was used to hate the school. I didn't have friends except of Ben -of course- he was older one year and he has his own group of friends. I didn't like his friends they didn't like anything about me and I tried to avoid them which means I couldn't meet Ben in the school. The only time I could see him was in weekends where I go to his home -or he comes to mine- and we spent the day playing together.

“Troye and Rachel change your uniforms and wash your hands before lunch! Better hurry up!” mom ordered.  
I ran to my bedroom throwing my backpack on my bed. I sat on the edge taking my Vans off then followed with my sweater.

It was finally weekend. I been waiting for today the whole week. I was in hurry though. I didn't bother with the undoing my shirt's buttons I was about taking it off when I heard the door being knocked. I heard: “Troye?”  
“Rachel don't come in I'm changing!” I called.

“I won't. Hey Troye?!" my two years older sister called.  
"I'm listening. Rachel go head!"  
"Mom said that Mill and Jean are coming to visit us tomorrow evening."  
"Okay?!"  
"I wonder if you could tell Ben that you staying with me when they are here."  
I opened the door finished dressing in a clean t-shirt and a short jeans. I said: " I can't we have plans for this weekend."  
"Please Troye, Mill and Jean always make fun of me and I don't like staying without you."  
"It's not true last thing I remember you and Jean been good friends. You even made fun of ME not you."  
"It's not true I didn't know she was planning to make you fall."  
"It doesn't really matter. Do whatever I'm still going to spend the weekend with Ben at least he won't laugh when I fall."

"What about I come with you?" She asked.  
"Definitely no!"  
"W-why?"  
"It's a boyish games you can't play with us."  
"Like footie was boyish? Remember I joined the team you couldn't."  
"Well, you can be happy as much as you want about it. But not all the teams are allow you in Rachel."  
"You're mean!"  
"You're the one who's mean. You start it!"  
"I hate you."  
"Like I said something unlike in nature." I can see her face. She   
my 11 years old none-similar twin asked: “I- I might be-…”

We both sat to the dining table. I was looking at mom and dad deciding whatever it's okay to ask them to spend the evening in Augustus' house. I looked to Rachel. She looked at me back when dad asked: “What's wrong?”

“I- dad you mind if I went to play with Ben this evening?” I asked.  
“But you'll have to come back before 7, alright?” I nodded, when my mom looked to Rachel, my sister looked at me sadly. I know she wished if dad never allowed me out for the rest of my life that's how nice my sister was.

She wanted to come too but Ben will hate if we joined girls to our game.

“What are you guys playing anyway?” mom asked then chewing her food as I said: “we're warriors saving the kingdom from the bad dragons” dad chuckled when mom gave him some look, when she asked: “so who's the princess to that kingdom?”  
“Princess?”  
“Yea, princess? Any kingdom had a princess, Troye” mom said.  
“Really?”  
“Yea, Rachel could be your princess you know?”  
We all heard the metal utensil hitting the porcelain plate: “mom, I don't want to be a princess for their disgusting kingdom!” She yelled.  
"Rachel!"  
"It's not disgusting! You're so jealous" I yelled back.

She stood up leaving the table when dad called her: “Rachel Sara Adams! Get back to your seat and finish your plate.”   
“I'm not hungry anymore.” She yelled angrily. She seemed really mad Rachel never yell at our parents -not as much as I do anyway.-

“I said get back to your seat, Rachel!” dad called. Mom looked at Rachel then eyed dad worriedly. She sit back she was tearing. I hate when she does.

“Hey, if you didn't want to be the princess it's alright you can be anything you want” mom said hugging her close. When she said: “I just wanna go to my room”  
“Finish your lunch then” mom said.

Dad looked at me when I said: “thank you for lunch mom”  
“Welcome sweetie” mom said softly.  
I walked out of the doors when I heard dad calling: “hey Troye!”  
I looked back at him when he said: “can we talk for a bit before you go?”  
“Yea, dad” I said.

He sat me down on the door step. He had his arms rested on his knees as he looked to the neighborhood dog who was eying us friendly.  
“I just were wondering since we moved to this house you stopped taking Rachel as your playmate, Is there any specific reason?”  
“No, I just have new friends to play with and she always used to had hers.”

“Okay son, let me say this clear I can see that you're acting a little selfish. I mean when Rachel used to have more friends than yours she had always made sure to make them be your friends too. Why don't you just do the same to her. make your friends become hers too. I know Ben is an amazing friend and that you two are making a good teem together but Troye can't you see how sad Rachel is? She's your mate since you two born. You guys been good together you have to think about it?”

I looked at dad when he smiled saying: “maybe if you talked to Ben about joining her to your team maybe she had a great power or something, you might end up winning over so many dragons by the end of the day”  
“Do you think Ben is going to agree?”  
“Yea. Why not? and let keep this a secret you and I are men and we knows that Rachel isn't the type of lazy girls she can learn too fast and I know the Ben is a strong fighter and I bet you're the best warrior in this kingdom."  
"I'm the prince."  
"The Prince! Interesting."  
"I make the plans most of the times."  
"It's sounds important."  
"It is."  
"Okay before you go, look your mom and I are the best team together, you can learn from that… sometimes I mean”  
“Okay I'll talk to Ben”  
“So man to man you gonna solve this and not to let Rachel sad anymore?”  
“I don't want Rachel to be sad”  
“Good! That's my boy” he missed my hair.

I reached the button of the doorbell of The Augustus' house. I heard someone yelling in there I guessed it was Mr. Agustin his voice was clear. I waited for someone to pick up patiently.   
I been seeing Ben for 3 years now I know that the sound of father yelling in the house was something usual. I feared Mr. Agustin so much I had made sure not to be the one standing for a talk with him. 

I didn't know why his father was yelling most of time. I barely see him in a good mood and when I asked Ben about it he would brush it off or tell me that his family isn't the dream one but I didn't understand what that's mean.  
Ben was the middle brother to Shawn and Peter. His Older Shawn brother was studying in boarding school he never been seen around for most of the year. Peter is five years old we used to babysit him sometimes when Ben's mom is too sick.

The front door held open. Mr. Agustin looked at me when I smiled. He smiled back as he said: “Troye! How are you kid?”  
“I'm fine Mr. Agustin thank you.”  
“I bet you came to see Ben."  
"Yea, if you don't mind. I mean if Ben didn't have anything to do we could go play."  
Well, Ben isn't allowed out today since he has to stay with his mom but if you want you can join him until I get ready for night shift. Sounds good?"  
"Yea. Sure."  
"Okay, Troye come in”  
“Ben! Troye is here” his father called for him. He downed the stairs. Something looked off about him I couldn't know what it was. He said: “hi” he looked happy to see me. He always look like he's really happy to see me and I never get used to it.  
“Hi”  
“Ben. Troye is complaining you in here. So better don't let mommy alone she might need something. alright?”  
“Yea.” he said softly.   
"I am getting ready for night shift you go play now."  
"Do you want to come up to my room?" he asked when I nodded he signed me to follow him. I did.

His room was too simple decorated. the wall wasn't painted just the natural wood color. There was a chest of drawers he had no closet. His schoolbag was placed on the desk carelessly. His bed was messed up. I sat on the edge of it when he sat away of me to his desk. I asked: "Is everything is alright?"  
"Yea." he looked down to the ground. I didn't know then that he was lying.

"You know our choices are limited being indoors."  
"It's not that bad."  
"Do you have any idea what we should do?"  
"I don't know right now but we'll figure it out." he chuckled looking to the closed window mumbling: "Yea. Right!"  
I looked around his room.  
"What?"  
"I'm thinking that we should build a tent."  
"A tent?"  
"I mean a blanket fort. I think if we couldn’t go out doors we can build our outing."  
"Okay. Then How-...?" he looked around for what we might need. 

We took the bed sheet off and put it on the bed board and put the other end of the sheet on desk chair to support the material above our heads making. We moved the pillows inside along with his blanket. 

The blanket fort looked like a little home to our small bodies. It was the place we had build using our little hands.   
He said: "choose one!"  
I looked to mini butterfly in Red and Green. I took the Red one when he said: "You can call mine Maxwell. what about yours?"  
"Connor."  
We played for too long under the tent of the bed sheet. We even jumped on his bed his parents didn't mind when become a little loud usually they let us do whatever. I thought they were cool parents. I mean at 10 years old I just wanted to run around on the parquet floor without hearing mom's voice yelling at me not to.

I made his bed while he turned his computer on to play a game on there. He said: "Just leave it!"  
"I don't want you to be in trouble 'cause of me."  
"What do you mean?"  
"I mean your mom wouldn't like seeing the bed all messed up. She would be mad because of us."  
"She really don't care."

I looked at him while he avoided me. He pretend to be searching for something in the drawers. I placed the pillows back on.   
“I still don't have chairs you'll have to sit on bed until dad made me second chair for you”  
“A chair for me?”  
“Yea, you almost living in here in the weekends you'll need a chair.”  
“Thank you.”  
“Don't think like it's a good thing” he whispered. I looked at him as he clicked on the application icon on the screen. He said: “It's a game when you try to find your way out of the prison-…”   
“Do we have to kill people?” I asked.  
“Of course you have to fight for your freedom Troye!” he said.  
“Okay”  
“…-so you press on here to move on and on this one to jump… this one to hit someone and this one crawl" he looked at me asking: "I hope you get that I don't want to go for a repeat.”  
“Yea, sorry”  
I wasn't used to the game yet. My reaction was late.  
“They are four buttons Troye! Right to move forward, left to hit down to crawl up to jump! Clear?” he yelled  
“Yes, sir!”  
“Good! No go head! Let me see how you fight for your freedom Troye”

We kept playing that game on Ben's computer until he finally announced: “I'm hungry!”  
I looked to the time on the familiar clock on Ben's wall it was 6:15 PM. He asked: “don't tell me you have to go right now!”  
“No, still got an hour”  
“Good, there's something I wanted to play with you before you go”  
“What is it?” I asked followed him as he downed the stairs to the kitchen.  
I followed him when I found his mother sitting to the counter table, her head rested on her hand, she looked sad.  
“Mom I'm hungry” Ben said.  
“Get anything from the fridge” she said sniffling, I looked at her saying: "Hi. Mrs. Augustus"  
"Hey. Troye" she said softly leaving to the living room. I looked at Ben wonder if everything was alright. he just made himself busy getting something to eat.  
It wasn't the first time I see Mrs. Augustus look that way. She always looks sad as if there's something wrong going on. Ben always avoided talking about his mom front of anyone never did. Usually he's talking about his father. It made many of his friends thought that he's living alone with his father. I knew there's something wrong she can't be unhappy everyday.

“Do you want to eat something with me?” Ben asked when I said: “no, thank you”  
“Are you sure? 'cause I won't be sharing you my sandwich after I make it.”  
“I'm sure, Ben”  
He stood on the chair to reach the surface of the counter table start making his sandwich. I waited for him when he asked: “I wonder where's Peter?”  
“He's with grandma this weekend. Mom can't take care of him.”  
“Is your mommy okay?”  
“She's fine.” He said.  
“She looks sad. Ben”  
"She's not sad, Troye She's just sick."  
"Really?"  
"Yes, Dad gave her the meds before he left she'll be fine."  
"Okay."

He jumped off the chair when he said: “let's walk outside”  
"Your father said we should stay indoor and take care of your mom."  
"I can't stay indoors for a whole day. It won't take long promise couple of minutes dad still have Two hours before coming back."  
I didn't even response, I just followed him when I said: “shouldn't you tell your mom first?”

He walked to the living room where his mom laid on the couch. She was hugging the pillow close when Ben walked toward her asking: “Mom, we are walking around we won't go far for couple of minutes. Is that okay?” he asked.  
"Your father said you can't walk out today."  
"But that's because he thought you need me to stay. Do you need me to stay over mom?" he asked softly.  
He through his fingers in her hair as he asked softly: "Do you still feel sick?"  
She shook her head saying: "I'm fine." she almost cried.  
"Okay, then I'll go with Troye for a walk won't take long. I'll come back in minutes."  
"Okay." she nodded.  
He leaned over the couch kissing her forehead. I felt sorry for her. I hoped I know someway to make her happy."

I walked with him when I asked: “Are you sure that your mom is okay?”  
“Yea”  
“Do you think there's something makes her sad?” I asked.  
“Tro, you can't ask people personal questions and I told you before she's sick.”  
“Oh, I-I'm sorry” I blushed of embarrassment. I was grateful to the dim lighted street by the evening and that he couldn't see my face.  
“It's okay,” he was walking alone now, I looked at him as he crossed the woods.  
“Are you scared?” he asked.  
“No, it's just getting dark to be in there”  
“It's okay we will come out before it's gets so dark anyway” I looked at him when he offered his hand for me, I walked to hold it, his hand grip was firm, it reminds me of dad's grip.  
“I think I'll tell you some secret of mine” he start when I repeated: “A secret?”  
“Yea, but if I said it you'll have to keep it”  
“Okay”  
“Do I have to warn you what might be happens if you ever revealed my secret in school, Troye?”  
“I think you'll get mad at me”  
He stopped walking letting my hand fell free, his eyes stared to mine as he hissed: “I'll destroyed you, I'll make you're life a living hell Troye” I gulped.  
He never spoke to me that way before, it scared me.  
“O-okay” I tried to remember how to breath.  
He held my hand again as we walked through the woods in the evening's dim lights  
“You know when you kept asking why mom always looked sad, it's because she feels too bad” he said as he took a stick from the ground not letting my hand go, he stood up walking again drawing a line as we passed the trees.  
“Dad said that her head made her think that something bad had happened. Her brain fooling her to tear up all the time unless she's on her medications to help her feel better. Doctor said she might need to leave us for couple of month to stay in other place where doctors can take of her. But dad can't afford the money to help her. He been working two jobs for too long. He sold the boot he owned. He really loved that one so much but he had to buy mom medications.”

He looked at me there was a single tear in his right eye. He said: “don't look at me like that Troye”  
“Look-... like what?” I was confused.  
“Like you're sorry”  
“I am sorry, Ben” I felt a slap on my face.  
“But it's not your fault. you can't be sorry about something isn't your fault unless you're feeling sympathy for me. I don't need it!” he yelled.  
“I'm sorry 'cause I care about you and I can see that's make you sad too” I yelled -at least I tried- but my voice came more as crying.

I couldn't stay anymore I walked away, I start running my vision blurred with my tears. I wiped them away with my sleeve when I heard my name being called: “Troye!”  
“Troye! Wait!”  
I ran and ran and ran to my home, I closed the front door behind me. My tears barely dried yet, I found Rachel sitting on the carpet in the living-room, she was looking at me behind her glasses.  
“Are you okay?” she asked worriedly when I nodded, I walked to my room when I heard mom calling from the upstairs: “Troye, get cleaned then do your homework”   
I didn't answer I went to my room closing the door behind me. I turned the light on. My legs made their way to the window. I revealed the glass behind a bit. I saw Ben sitting on his doorstep looking at me.  
I just closed the curtains avoiding him!  
My breathe itched in my chest as I sit on the floor, I know he was just emotional about talking about his mom front of me like this, but I also knew I didn't deserve to be slabbed for saying sorry to him!  
I sighed.

Author's Note:  
Hope you guys having extremely nice week. If not I hope it'll get better just don't give up.  
Here's some facts about “FEARS"   
#Fact 1: This title was about to be a Louis Tomlinson Fanfic before I changed my mind and Added Troye Sivan as the Main Character in the book.  
#Fact 2: I care. Even about the people I never met I do care. I'd love to do the best I can listening to you. Trying to help you. Only if you'd like to share. I can keep things personal for you don't worry. I love you.  
Watch The Chapter Clip On Youtube https://youtu.be/Qn3mZHOlrPk


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